Thursday, 12 October 2017

Its too late to regret.

Once your precious one leave you, you got nothing left behind.

Today I'm gonna talk about our loved ones going to leave us, one fine day. No matter how closed, or we don't even talk to them. But once they leave us, you can't bear to handle the feeling of being left.  Trust me I've experienced this twice. First back in 2008, my brother passed away when I was sitting for USPR. Followed with my uncle, step mom and then 2015, my dad.

I must tell you something. I don't even closed with any of them. Except my step mother, she was so so kind I tell ya. She's not that one "mak tiri" that roled out in Malay dramas. She's the kindest one, after my mom. They both had a very good relationship back then. I still remember the last time me and my mom met her was in her room, laying in the bed, sick. Of course I'm sad, bcs she always treat me nice ever since my dad married her. After a few weeks admitted, she passed away.

I can see that my late dad loved her so much. 2 years passed, my dad followed her. They must've meet in Heaven, right. Together with my brother..

2015, 4:06AM

Received a call from my sister who been taking care of him for a day "Baba already passed away". I can hear her voice in a very calm tone, letting go was not that easy. Plus, she's the closest one with my dad. I don't even cry, at that time I don't even know what to feel. Once I arrived at the hospital, I go to his bed, I saw him, laying down without any tubes, unconscious, pale, his mouth were opened. I started crying. My dad, already left us.

Me and my dad didn't live under the same roof almost 10 years. So you can tell why I'm not closed to him. I cried because he's my one and only dad. Eventho I don't feel like he's the one. Except, He is. I regret not be able to let him know that I actually loved him. I don't remember when was the last time I ever said I love him. And so do I, wondering "did my father loves me?"

What I wanna tell you guys is, eventho we are not "that" closed to  someone, doesn't mean that we don't love them and don't care about them. I regret, for spending less time with my dad and my brother. I regret that they don't even know that their existence actually means the world to me. Losing them actually gives me pain. The pain of missing someone that we could never see them again. Not be able to talk to them. It hurts. So bad.

Time flies, today 13/10/2017 marks 2 years my father left us.

I lost my dad. I couldn't bear with that. I still hope that he's alive. And now, who's next? The thoughts of my family members leaving me really hit me. I don't want to talk about my mom, if she left me, I just don't wanna live anymore. The pain that I must deal, alone..without any shoulders to cry on.

If one day, my ajal come first, do forgive me. Tell my mom I love her. So much

I'm tired of crying. I really hope I don't need to face all this situation alone. I wish death are not something that we must face it one day...

People cry not because they are weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.

Love, T

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Is it hard to be kind to others?

Is it hard to be kind?

I was there for you when you need me the most. 
I was there for you through all the sleepless night. 
I was there for you when no one else stay. 

I was there for you, most all of the time.

Been wondering-
Why people treated me this way. 
Why it's so hard to appreciate someone. 

Why take someone who actually care about you for granted?

What actually makes people changed and treat others like shit?

Ta x